Conversing Without an Opinion

Wise men don't need to prove their point.

Men who need to prove their point aren't wise.

(Bruce Lee)

There are two positions during a conversation. You are either one or the other.

1) You are interested - Ted
2) You are interesting - Ting

TED

When you are interested (Ted) you ask questions and listen to the answers. You facilitate a dialogue by perpetuating the discussion. You are interested in gaining understanding. With practice, your questions become neutral in their delivery.

A Ted is a questioner who seeks understanding. You are asking because you want to know, not because you are trying to prove a point. If someone asks a question to prove a point, they are not interested in learning they are being manipulative.

The most productive space between two people is emotional intimacy. Trust and respect are the two most important components. A Ted quickly deepens a relationship through neutral questions omitting any judging or relating.

When you are truly interested in someone, it shows. Faking it or pretending cannot be hidden. You tend to increase the level of trust and respect when you care more about what they say versus focusing on what you are saying.

TING

A basic discussion must have at least one Ted and at least one Ting. If there are no Teds present, it isn't a discussion, rather it is disorganized noise affectionately known as a Ting jam. Something akin to your teenagers first jam session in the garage. Rookie musicians hear only themselves, and when someone plays louder, they increase their volume.

When you express an opinion without being asked, you are being interesting (Ting). Your primary focus is to hear your opinion and to seek agreement. You are your number one fan and at the expense of everyone else in the jam.

From childbirth, we are taught by example (environment) how to interject our opinions into any conversation. Parents, siblings, grandparents, teachers, leaders, friends, TV, and talk radio are all prime examples of Tinging. Very few examples exist of how to be a Ted.

Sarcasm is a form of Tinging. Sarcasm is usually at the expense of someone else and the humor is a function of a sardonic judgment usually without all the facts.

Tings are trained by environment. Teds are almost always life-long learners who sought a better way to communicate. Being a Ted is a learned skill and is developed through practice.

Homework

There are 3 levels to becoming a Ted:

Level 1: No unsolicited opinion
Level 2: No opinion, no relating, no judging - neutral
Level 3: No opinion, neutral, delegating thought back - teaching

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to have three discussions where you are a Level I Ted. Do this within a 24-hour period and focus all your energy on holding a discussion and never once expressing an opinion unless directly solicited.

The discussion needs to be at least 5 minutes long. (Asking your child how school went and accepting a grunt for an answer does not constitute a discussion.) In order to complete your assignment, answer the following questions and share it with someone.

· How many discussions did you have?
· With whom did you converse?
· How long did you converse?
· Did you refrain from expressing an unsolicited opinion?
· Greatest Insight?