Meeting Etiquette

Why do you think I have to hold coaching sessions on meeting etiquette? Why do you think managers come up to me and ask me questions on meeting etiquette? On the face of it, meeting etiquette means etiquette at a meeting. Now the natural question that would arise in your mind is, 'what is so special about that? People just come and meet at a place, discuss strategies and brainstorm. Why does any emphasis have to be laid on etiquette? People should behave like normal people at a meeting. So, what is the brouhaha over meeting etiquette?' Quite right. There is no need to raise a hullabaloo about something so simple and insignificant as meeting etiquette. Unless people lack etiquette at a meeting. Unless an ordinary meeting turns into a war zone. Which is something that often happens when a meeting is being conducted.

A Battleground

Now, let me fill you in on some facts. Forty-percent of the times, meetings turn nasty. You might enter a meeting thinking that meeting etiquette lessons are quite redundant but by the time you emerge from the conference room, you might regret not having taken lessons in meeting etiquette. Yes, meetings can become brutal battles where the presenters and the participants get embroiled in verbal skirmishes, which might even turn physical. I have acted as a facilitator in many meetings. So, I have firsthand experience of meeting proceedings and meeting etiquette.

Meeting to Fight

Meetings can turn vicious and in that case, meeting etiquette goes for a toss. Men and women glare at each other, ready to swallow each other up, if the occasion arises. Tables are banged, chairs are scraped against the floor, and books, files and papers are thrown around. If arguments and debates are very heated, they can get violent as well as personal. Verbal abuse is common in such cases. I have had paperweights aimed at me on more than one occasion in my life when I have acted as a meeting facilitator in high-tension meetings attended by high-strung invitees. Meetings where managers are hauled up and made accountable; collective bargaining sessions between HR personnel and laborers; meetings introducing major change in the top management; meetings where some managers are transferred and others are promoted; meetings where pink slips are handed out to large groups of employees; and other meetings which are controversial in nature, are generally accompanied by a loss of meeting etiquette. When I was asked to attend such meetings, I had to play the role of a facilitator, a person who tries to make something unpalatable, palatable or at least bearable and tolerable.

When a Meeting becomes a Sensitive Business

Now, I want to be very frank with you. It is not easy to explain the cause of retrenchment to an employee who is being downsized. It is not easy to console such an employee and give him or her hope. There is obviously a reason why the person is being axed. In most cases, people are axed because they are non-performers or because the company is no longer able to retain them due to recessionary factors. But for the person who is being told to leave, it is very hard. They probably have some dependents at home and the dole will not suffice for them and their dependents. In most cases, such people just break down when they are informed that they are not required any more. In some cases, they turn aggressive. Once a marketing manager was fired right before me because his team was unable to reach their targets. He got livid, swore at his senior and was about to take the flower vase from the table and smash it on his senior's skull, when I intervened and broke two fingers of my right hand in an attempt to catch the flying flower vase in mid air.

In other incident, I was facilitating a meeting between groups with conflicting interests. Each group consisted of sales executives and marketing managers. The managers and executives of each group were saying that only they were responsible for the higher sales turnover. Instead of sales executives and marketing managers being united, as they were all part of the Marketing Department, they were all divided amongst themselves. Each group was claiming that it was the best group. I also learnt that when sales leads were generated, there was a horrible scrabble for the leads as each group wanted the credit for closing the deals. There was no cooperation whatsoever among the members of the Sales team on the issue of sales leads. There was also no demarcation policy being followed, which would help to distinguish between the leads generated by one member and those generated by another member. Hence, all of them were practically competing with each other on the issue of sales leads. Some would even refuse to tell their managers about all the leads they generated because they feared that the managers were partial to some of them and would immediately give those few the leads generated by the others. It was a chaotic situation and the marketing department was all in fragments. It was the duty of the Vice President - Marketing and the Vice President - HR, which was me, to unite all these quarreling factions. It was a sorry state of affairs with senior managers shouting at each other, hitting each other below the belt. Men targeted women cruelly and women raised the gender bias issue in order to stave off the poisonous darts sent by the men. Sales executives complained freely about their bosses right in front of them, insulting them in unprintable language. It took the Marketing VP and me the better part of a day to calm tempers and ameliorate the bestial instincts that had surfaced. If we had not mediated, the whole lot would have become violent with rage, smashed up all the furniture and meeting equipment. It was unbelievable that qualified MBAs were behaving in such a manner.

Regretting a Meeting

The funny thing that I have noticed is that after the meeting is over, many people even regret their actions. They say that they never meant to behave like animals but that they could not control themselves in the heat of the moment. But that is a ridiculous thing to say. Because none of them are children that their tantrums can be excused. They are all educated adults who know what they are doing and who should act with care and caution. What is the point of doing something on the spur of the moment and then regretting it forever afterward? Here is where meeting etiquette comes into question. Many such hot-tempered executives have told me that if they had been prepared in advance for the hostile nature of the meeting, they probably would have controlled themselves better. And that is absolutely true. If you are trained on meeting etiquette, you will find that you have a natural control of yourself and the way you behave.

As it is not possible to give a full-fledged training on meeting etiquette through the few pages of this article, I have touched upon only the basics. Nevertheless, you shall have much to learn even if you go through the basics of meeting etiquette.

Meeting Etiquette: Be Prepared

The first thing is that you must go fully prepared to a meeting. Never attend meetings where you are not sure of your role. Just do not go to a seminar or a meeting where you are sure of nothing but the sumptuous lunch or dinner that the meeting hosts will provide. Remember that if a meeting is a genuine meeting, every attendee has a definite role to play in it. The purpose of any meeting and seminar is to add value to the meeting process and to the lives of all the participants, whether they are attendees, speakers, presenters, or panelists. If you feel that you are just attending a prestigious meeting because you have received an entrance card or pass for the meeting for free and because you want to partake of the grand fare that shall be served at the meeting, do not waste your time. You are not a beggar who will go to a conference just to eat some delicacies. Your time is valuable. Please do not attend meetings just because the organizers want the seating arrangements to look packed. This is important meeting etiquette.

Meeting Etiquette: Contribute

Secondly, you must only go to a meeting if you are familiar with the meeting agenda. This is also important meeting etiquette. If you are given the meeting agenda in advance, it means that the organizers want you to participate in the meeting wholeheartedly. It shows that they want you to come prepared with your questions, opinions, doubts and answers to the meeting and that they value what you have to say. You should always have something to contribute to a meeting if you are attending it. If you carefully analyze and find that you have absolutely nothing to say, drop out of the conference albeit at the last moment. When I use the word meeting, I mean seminars and conventions too. For instance, if you have been invited to a seminar dealing with some aspect of physics or chemistry or any other kind of science seminar, don't attend the seminar just to sleep through the lectures in your seat in the auditorium and to partake enthusiastically of the scrumptious lunch. That is not the way. The speakers and panelists want you to really get involved, give your suggestions on experiments and scientific techniques, and other aspects and topics of the symposium. They want to hear your side of it. In fact, interested scientists attending a symposium conducted by other scientists never sit back in their chairs. During lunch break and after the seminar, they invariably get in touch with the orators and panelists so that they can do research with the scientists on the panel or at least under the aegis of the panelists, in future. Panelists and organizers also keep a watch on the attendees to see which of them are genuinely interested in the topic of the seminar and which of them have arrived just to pass some time. The disinterested people are generally never called to seminars organized by the same people and groups, anymore. So, whether the convention is on science or humanities, law or management, try to understand one thing. If you have received an invitation to the seminar, it means the organizers think that you are worth inviting! So do not let them down by being indifferent towards the seminar. Do some homework on the topic and contribute positively at the event. And if you are definite that you have no value to add from your side to the symposium, DO NOT GO.

Meeting Etiquette: Dress Code

Another thing that needs to be mentioned when discussing meeting etiquette is dress code. Some invitation cards have dress codes printed on them but most do not. That is because meeting organizers assume that attendees have enough maturity and sense to dress properly and formally for the meetings. Employees should always wear formals to a meeting even if the meeting is an internal meeting of colleagues working in the same department of a company. If it is a weekday and a casual meeting has been called at your office, I can assume that you will attend the meeting in formals, if you generally wear formals to work. Apart from the usual shirt and trousers, it is better that you wear a tie and a jacket when you are attending a meeting, be you a woman or a man. However, the tie is not so essential if you are a woman but it is a must if you are a man.

Some modern offices do not have any dress codes. But this is not always good for the workers. Coming to office in jeans and t-shirts everyday makes employees casual. It is a problem if the casual attitude becomes part of the total work culture of the employees. Productivity slackens automatically because of the simple fact that people do not feel very professional in jeans. Everyday then feels like Sunday, which is very bad!

So, dress formally when you attend a meeting. It will make you feel professional and strong. You will be able to say what you have to say with conviction and belief. Your conviction will be transferred to others and will help them to have faith in you. Dressing well also shows you in a positive light. If you dress well, others will be impressed by you and will want to listen to what you have to say.

I hope you are not mad enough to think that you can attend a meeting in shorts, bathing suits, Bermudas, miniskirts or summer dresses. I have personally never seen any woman or man attending a meeting attired in one of these dresses. However, I have heard and read of lunatics and clowns attending meetings in weird clothes. Please do not do such a thing. Even if you want to appear exceptional and want to attract media or other attention, please do not walk into a conference room dressed in such clothes. Yes, you will attract attention but as a lunatic or as a clown. You might gain something in the short term by dressing like this but I can tell you absolutely that you shall lose your credibility over the long-term if you attend a meeting in this fashion. Though this is obvious meeting etiquette, I repeat and reiterate, please do not dress in any weird, casual or vulgar way when you attend a meeting. You will have much to lose.

Meeting Etiquette: Code of Conduct

Be prepared in advance for a hostile environment. Do not assume that the meeting will be a smooth sailing. Be prepared for the worst. If you are well acquainted with the meeting agenda and the managers who will attend the meeting, you should easily be able to anticipate what will happen at the meeting. But I must warn you that even if you anticipate a meeting to take a certain course, in reality it might veer away and take the opposite course. Meetings where senior managers meet, meetings between HR and other managers and laborers, and meetings for downsizing and retrenchment are meetings in which tempers run high and people start shouting and accusing and pointing fingers. Heated debates and disagreements occur in such gatherings, people fly into a rage, abusive language is used and the worst of human nature is projected.

Be sure to fine-tune your meeting etiquette so that you do not do anything wrong, anything which you might regret. How should you prepare yourself for a charged up meeting?

• Be cool and keep your composure.

• Talk and work rationally, not emotionally.

• Be firm with the person who is abusing you. Tell the person that you will report him or her if he or she perseveres in abusing you.

• Say what you have to say in no uncertain terms but do not use any abusive or vulgar language.

• If someone is getting violent, do not answer the person with violence. Call the security immediately and tell them to drag the person away. This will humiliate the person enough and will put the person in his or her place.

• If you are a victim, instead of shouting and threatening in a menacing way, think why you are the victim. As I have mentioned earlier, if you lose your job, it is because of one of two reasons. Either you are a nonperformer or the company cannot afford to keep you. If it is the latter, you have nothing to shout or worry about. Just walk out with the pink slip, your head held high. You will always get a job if you are an employee with experience and merit. On the other hand, if you are a nonperformer, what is the use of venting your anger on your boss or the manager who has reported you? That will not make you a high performer. Change your lazy and faultfinding ways and your attitude to work and life. Things will start looking up automatically.

• Do not remain indifferent if people around you are behaving badly and have come to blows and fisticuffs. Even if no one shouts at you directly, you must take the initiative to calm down agitated people around you. It is not only the right thing to do but it also shows that you have excellent meeting etiquette. Such a gesture will always reveal you in a positive light to others.

• Remember a meeting is not the end of the world. It is just a part of life. So take it that way. Calm yourself when you find that you are getting overexcited or heated up. Drink some water if you feel that you are losing control. A glass of water is generally placed before every member at the conference table.

• Try to be humorous. I know it is difficult if your blood is boiling. But if you are a seasoned meeting attendee, you will be able to appreciate what I am saying. Once you begin to attend important meetings often, you will know that though meetings are important, they should be taken with a pinch of salt, whatever outcome they have. So laugh with your opponent. Use an element of humor to lighten up the atmosphere. In most cases, you will find your opponent laughing with you. Laughing makes you feel light and cool. I am not saying that you lose your seriousness and treat the meeting lightly. No, do not misunderstand me. I am telling you to be happily serious, be smilingly serious. A witty comment can make everybody feel easy. At the same time, the person who is witty experiences a boost in their confidence level. True, tough decisions with long-term ramifications have to be taken but what is the problem if you smile your way through? Life is tough but we must always smile our way through. Would life have any challenge if it were very easy? Take the meeting to be a challenge. Take nasty and provocative meeting attendees to be a challenge. If you manage to keep your temper despite all such adversities, you are the winner.

Meeting Etiquette: Broadmindedness

Finally, be broadminded and take a wide-spectrum view of the meeting. This is the best meeting etiquette that you can have and display. Whether you win or lose at the meeting, whether your point of view is accepted or not, whether you lose your job or not, remember that everything is just a part of life. A loss of a contract or a job or face is not the end of the world. The most important thing about meeting etiquette and about etiquette in general is that you have to have the ability to pick up the pieces again and move ahead, to take the rough with the smooth. No loss is permanent unless you make it so. Do not be depressed, whatever the circumstance. If you display good meeting etiquette, even if worst comes to worst and you lose everything at the meeting, at least you shall have the consolation of having behaved well.